Dear Jamie Dornan, you have no chemistry with your co-star. Consider gay scenes.

Ok, so I have to admit. I actually watched 50 Shades of Gray. Yes, that’s the film version of the first book in that mommy masturbation book series. You know, the one about an uptight BDSM practitioner who falls in love with an innocent chick who initially wouldn’t know a buttplug from an ice cream cone? (I’ve dated guys like that but it was ok, cuz’ they were guys.)

Why did I watch it? I watched it because of Jamie Dornan, who plays Christian Gay…I mean Gray, the kinky guy. There’s this Netflix series called The Fall, where he plays a serial killer and I fell in deep lust with him. A REALLY hot serial killer. Why are you staring at me? He has the face of an angel, eyes that you fall into and get lost within, and a slender but muscular build with a nice hairy chest. He was a hot serial killer, stop judging me!

So, I thought, he’s in that dumb flick that gives S&M a bad name. But he might be naked. There might even be a dick shot. And I was hung over Saturday afternoon so what better time to watch it seeing as I couldn’t get off the couch.

Sooooo, the movie was awful. STANK. It treated BDSM like some sort of sick predilection that should be hidden like nose picking or having voted for Trump. The girl (played by Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s daughter Dakota Johnson) was wispy and annoying. Jamie and Dakota had little to no chemistry. They might have been brother and sister. And the worst thing is they made him wax his chest! WHY WOULD YOU NEUTER HIS OTTERNESS? Wait, that’s the second-to-worst thing. The WORST thing is that he’s BARELY naked. You see some ass, and sort of get a quick glimpse of his bush. THAT’S IT, FOLKS. It’s a movie about sex that has barely any nudity. The sequel comes out this week and it looks about the same except, according to the trailer, they threw in Kim Basinger and a helicopter crash.

What a waste. What a missed opportunity. Manhunt Daily (blog is NSFW, so be forewarned) put up a ton of pics with Jamie and there’s more skin in those than in these stupid movies. LOOK AT HIM. Jesus, it’s a movie about being kinky. At least put him in a leather jock and a harness! I think Jamie needs to act in some sort of gay movie with daring sex scenes. With the popularity of Moonlight, and the intense buzz about the upcoming Call Me By Your Name, it looks like gay flicks are going to be front and center in a way they haven’t before. Call Me By Your Name supposedly has some intense gay sex scenes. Get in on this genre while it’s hot, Jamie!

Related: Watch an exclusive clip of Armie Hammer in the steamy “Call Me By Your Name”

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h/t: Manhunt Daily